Dogs Die Early
With the exception of the angry little dogs with the eyes on the sides of their heads and the protruding morphed foreheads, I love dogs. However, I don't buy into the dog years myth. Your dog died at age ten – not age 70. Dog years are ridiculous. Dogs aren’t on a special time plane; they just die fast. Deal with it. Fluffles wasn’t 98 years old when he died. You know why? Because he didn’t live 98 years. He was born in 1992 and then he died, and when he died, he was still stupid.

Thank God its CrackDay - The other day a homeless guy said to me, “Thank God its Friday!” It was Wednesday, but still I thought…

What??? Homeless guys have weekends?

He’s really going to take it easy and just lie around this weekend after a hard week of begging. Sorry folks, he won’t be taking money this weekend. He’s going to sit outside, smoke some crack and catch some rays, or maybe he’ll do some yard work around the overpass. Don’t even try to bother him and give him money. C’mon, homeless people don’t have Fridays; they just have days.

Herman from the Black Lagoon - It would be horrible to be from the Black Lagoon and not be the creature. Every time you meet someone and you tell them where you’re from, they say, “Oh wow. Do you know the creature?”

I've had no Loch Kicking Old Hobbits - I saw this special on television about these coke-bottle glasses wearing wackjobs that swear they've seen the loch ness monster (at 3am through the fog while they were walking their cats). It's time for these people stop searching for the Loch ness Monster and try finding something just slightly less elusive, like someone to take their virginity. Honestly, in an era where we can prove that cows have accents and we can view 500 million year old embryos, I'm pretty sure we can give up the idea that there may just be a 150-ton Liopleurodon ferox living in a fucking LAKE - a creature that has magically eluded scientists for centuries.

While on the subject of cryptozoology, I have to say, I yawn at this discovery of a hobbit people in Indonesia. Every time we find something interesting, it’s always long dead. They find these little people and just when you think we may be in Middle Earth, they drop the "they lived 18,000 years ago" bomb. Just once, I want them to find some weird creature or missing link remains and for scientists to say, "holy shit, this thing must have died like three weeks ago." That would be exciting. We came close with that mutant dog in Maine. I looked at the pictures. It's nothing special, just an ass-ugly dog.

Who didn’t see this one coming? This face to my right is the catalyst for my return to the FWSLM blog. I had to post about it. He is the nut job that shot up a school in North Carolina. I mean, COME ON - LOOK AT THIS KID! Who didn't see this coming? Do you think anyone is going to say, "I can't believe it; Alvaro was always such a nice boy, he never killed animals and was always so social." NO. One look at this picture and I'm pretty sure that this kid was skinning pets, making pipe bombs, and not having sex.

Not only am I for profiling at airports, I am for profiling at high schools too. Any kids that look like the prototype for a school shooting should be put away, given a make-over and a few blowjobs until they loosen up - let some of the anger-pus drain, because one look at Alvaro here and you can hear the ticking.

Totally girls! Totally Tits! - (after months on the practice squad, this post finally made it to the big dance)
I want to create the first doll with full giant tits with nipples. It would just be a regular girl doll, except with boobs. "Why" you ask? Kids love tits. Adults love tits. This doll would be so fun!!!! Barbie came close with those hard benign lumps. This doll would have fully mature giant floppy breasts just like mom!

Fact: Every single dentist in the world is named “Marc” or “Mark.”

The Cute Exception - I think dogs are cute, even big dogs. But I have one rule for calling a dog cute - I don’t call any dog “cute” that has a bigger dick and balls then me. Like male Bull Mastiffs, for example. These dogs have massive nuts and a pretty big penis. Maybe I’m weird, but I just can’t call this animal cute. You just can’t be cute with a giant dick and balls…Period.

Senile Airlines - I just read a “heartwarming” news story about a 95 year old woman, nicknamed “Mama Bird” who still flies planes. Yeah, a 95 year old pilot. I have no problems with old people who still swim, who still play music, or still play tennis. But I don’t think anyone over 70 should drive. And I certainly don’t think anyone over 90 should fly a fucking plane. Not only because of the diminishment of ability, but because this chick could DIE while she is up there. I wonder how heartwarming of a story this will be when “Mama Bird” crashes into a house.

Juicy Juice - At work the other day I had to watch footage of Jose Conseco and Barry Bonds. A couple days before that I was watching old footage of Jason Giambi and Sammy Sosa. What did I learn? Steroids really work. Wow. These guys were so clearly on steroids; they were huge. Now I personally don’t have a problem with professional players who take steroids. I think it’s the ultimate sacrifice. These players are willing to destroy their bodies and die so that my team wins. Fantastic! They deserve to get the big bucks. I want to see freak monsters hitting homeruns. I can’t get enough! Keep Juicin’ boys. That being said, I have to give more credit to players like Bonds and Sosa. Players that attempted to play without steroids. They tried to play as skinny guys, and just weren’t satisfied being good players. They realized they had to be super freaks. Now Conseco, he came into the league and went fucking berserk on steroids. I think he ate needles for breakfast. I’m surprised he never painted his face like Lattimer from The Program. And by the way, for those of you that think The Program is still a cool movie. See it again. It fucking sucks.

Kitchenware Racial Tension - I always hear the expression “the pot calling the kettle black.” In other words, someone guilty of something accusing someone else of being guilty of the same thing. See, I think it’s fine if a pot calls a kettle black, as long as the pot is black. It would be a lot worse if the pot was white. It would go down like this:

Pot: Yo Kettle, what’s up my nigga?
Kettle: What?
Pot: I said what’s up black ass?
Kettle: Hey Pot!
Pot: What up?
Kettle: You better shut your white ass up ‘fo I blow your mother fucking handle off.

Bye Bye Birdie - Don't little birds know that adult humans aren't going to fuck with them? It's the kids they need to worry about. I am getting really frustrated with cute birds flying away every time we make eye contact. Yeah, maybe I do want to play with them. So what? I'm not going to hurt them. Just give me a chance little birds. I can be your Snow White. I can be your old woman from Home Alone 2. But I'm not feeding you. You don't have to touch me, but just don't fly the fuck away. Get it, little birdies?

Not so fine China - So Apparently Chinese cell phone users set a record by sending 11 billion text messages during a week long spring festival celebrating the Lunar New Year. The messages generated over 1.1 billion dollars in revenue. This doesn’t even include “discarded” messages text messages like, “Boy this Government sucks,” or “I am SICK of communism.” It's also amazing that of all the text messages, barely any were between siblings. (That’s a one child policy joke.) This leads me into Chinese restaurants. Why do they never ask you if you'd like something to drink? You always have to ask for it yourself and then if you order a soda, they always bring you a can and a cup with ice. NO WEEFILLS!! NO WEEFILLS!! Most people love Chinese food. I love shitty food, but I'm not a huge fan of Chinese. Basically, every entree consists of chunks of cheap meat bathed in a cheap sauce (sometimes with weggies). Well, this isn't entirely true. They do amazing things with ducks. For some reason, the duck is like the holy animal. Ducks inspire creativity amongst Chinese chefs and yeah, it weirds me the fuck out.

Hot Wheels Conversations - Remember those hot wheels playsets? Like Big Lava Mountain where there is a jump through the volcano or something equally lame. Could you imagine if there was a real couple in one of those little cars. The dialogue would be like this:

Passenger: Are you sure we’re going the right way?
Driver: Yeah, yeah relax.
Passenger: I think we should ask for directions.
Driver: I think you should shut up.
Passenger: Well maybe I would if this wasn’t the 800th time we’ve gone through the god damn Face of Death Jump.

No Fear Morality – If you’re ever wondering why America is so aggressive and competitive these days, think no further then the T-shirts that were around just over a decade ago. Those stupid “No Fear” shirts that plagued a generation - shirts worn by kids and even adults across the country with slogans like “second place is the first loser” or “my goal is to deny yours.” These shirts have totally fucked our ethics. In 1994, any time a third grader stood in line, he would stand behind some little dick with one of those shirts on, and think “Boy I sure don’t want to be the first loser. I better grow up and kill others.” One day, in a utopia of pussies, there will be shirts that say nice things like in the fortune cookies, and even red headed kids will make nice nice.

Dr. Suess is Overrated -(my little brother aided this observation)
I recently was in an art gallery dedicated to the artwork of
Dr. Suess – the most overrated writer ever. The drawings, yeah they’re cute, but as a “poet,” Suess is a fraud.

DEFAULT RESPONSE: “Oh c’mon. I love Dr. Suess.”

Well, Dr. Suess is overrated because he takes the easy way out of rhyming. He can never think of a rhyme so he just makes up some nonsense word as a shortcut. Here’s an example:

(Note: not a real Dr. Suess excerpt)
And when the boy turned the corner
He bumped into a giant Biggleborner.

Now that’s a crock of shit. His brilliant imagination more of a lucrative laziness. And just because he's dead doesn't mean we have to be nice. His ghost is a pussy.

What I Learned in Puerto Rico - I think the official activity there is sitting in a chair outside a store/gas station/ restaurant. Any where you go, there are men just sitting outside in chairs talking. They stare at you when you walk in and it creeps me the fuck out. But the beaches are fantastic

Saturday Night Dead - In Britain, a television channel is looking for a dying person to volunteer his/her body to decompose on “live” television. Decomposing live on television isn’t a new a idea. Larry King and Andy Rooney have been doing it for years.England’s “Channel 4,” which was the nation’s first station to show a live autopsy on television, is looking to show the decaying body for educational purposes. The name of the show is tentatively titled, “dust to dust,” which barely beat out, “Necrophilia Cinemax.”Critics say the show is going to be nothing but "dead" air (zing!), but those in favor say “it’s going to be very educational, after I jerk off to it.”

Lions vs. Jesus - My friend recently sent me a story on MSNBC.com about a man in Taiwan that tried to get lions at a zoo to convert to Jesus. Apparently, he couldn't do it from the viewing area so he had to jump into the exhibit. Stupid? Not when Jesus got yo' back. Shit, Jesus never lets people die.So the moron jumps in and then stands there trying to get the lions to become Christians. All the lion sees is a steak dancing around looking delicious and saying "Eat me! Eat me!" The guy was bitten several times until the lion was shot. Zoo security is apparently the new Jesus. Maybe the bonehead's plan would have been easier for the lions to comprehend if he dressed up like a Muslim zebra and pissed all over them.

Smell that Glacier- I just bought a new deodorant yesterday. This one’s scent is “aqua reef” to replace my “glacier falls.” Glaciers don’t smell. Glaciers are ice! I’m also pretty sure that if a reef smelled like my “aqua reef” deodorant then all the fish would die. Now I’m not sure what these products actually do smell like, and therefore I can’t provide accurate titles for the smells, but last time I checked, people showered after they were in the ocean, so Old Spice, don’t go with “Aqua Reef”

If you want your pet fish to grow strong, you should raise them in Propel Fitness water.

Gross Little Non Babies - I’m not a fan of people who announce their political agendas via bumper stickers on their shitty cars. The other day I saw one that made me rolls my eyes. It was a slogan I had heard many times before, “It’s not a choice. It’s a child.” I wanted to follow that person to their house with an oozing fetus and tell them to hug it, feed it, take care of it and love it. Maybe then that idiot would realize that the little bleeding alien insect of a baby is the farthest thing from a child. That thing is a “choice” if I’ve ever seen one.

But White People be all Like - I’m not the biggest fan of rap music, but I have been known to enjoy a “phat” beat once in a while. There is something I really respect about rap that you just don’t see in white people music; the lyrics are completely straightforward. White music always pussy foots around topics. For instance, Tom Petty sings the song “Last Dance with Mary Jane,” which is about smoking pot. Rap music cuts out the poetic nonsense and just goes “I SMOKE WEED MOTHERFUCKER!” White music will talk about sex with lyrics like “I want to hold you, breathe with you…blah blah.” Rap music cuts the nonsense with lyrics like “I FUCK BITCHES IN DA ASS IN DA PUSSY ‘TILL I BLAST!” I think white people could learn from the blunt lyrics of the hip-hop world. Go fuck yourself Cat Stevens, you fucking pussy.

Awesome-Tism-It seems to me like every communication disorders major at Emerson works with autistic kids. What about all the other re-re’s? Some kid told me the reason for this is the high turnover in the working with autism “industry.” I asked him if he had any savants, and he said that idiot savants are like one in two hundred. It would be funny (well not funny if I were the parent) if a doctor tells parents, “I have good news and bad news. The bad news is your kid is autistic. The good news is…he’s a savant. You like Billy Joel? That little fucker will be able to play him like its his job.”

Ever Since My Kid Died on a Tube Slide.....-One thing that gets to me and really shouldn’t is when people go into careers because someone in their family died from something related. An example would be a guy who, since his family was killed by a volcano, dedicates his life to studying volcanoes. He is actually doing a disservice to volcanoes because the more lives he saves, the less families will be killed, resulting in less Vulcanologists. The problem with all these heroes dedicated their lives to avenging their loved ones’ causes of death, is that it makes people like me look like real assholes. I’m not a TV/VIDEO major because my dad got killed by a DVD. Does that make me less credible?

Poacher Prejudice-Why are poachers portrayed so negatively in movies? That certainly contributes to the job draught. A generation of kids raised to think poaching is evil means no poaching majors and no future poachers. I bet there good money these days in poaching. I mean think of all the lives that have been saved by elephant tusk removal. I know if I’m in Africa, I’ll feel a lot safer. Its one less way an elephant can give you AIDS.

Serious Scooby- Imagine an episode of Scooby Doo that was really serious and violent. While Shaggy and Scoob are dicking around, one of the monsters sexually assaults Velma at gunpoint and then smashes Freddie’s head on the curb. All of the sudden the case isn’t so silly, and Shaggy and Scooby Doo’s little eating binges just aren’t so forgivable. For a good time, try applying the serious and violent element to all of your favorite kid shows.

Deal with It- I saw this special on T.V about these Siamese twin sisters. One is a country singer and the other is a lawyer or some shit. It really annoyed me. You aren’t fooling anyone with your silly “dreams.” No one looks at them and thinks….what a great singer or lawyer. People think one thing and one thing only: Siamese Twins. So, give it up girl(s) the game is over. Stop trying to deny the fact that you have another person stuck to you. And while you’re at it, don’t dress like you’re normal either. Just put on your rainbow wigs and your custom made jump suits and accept your fate. And midgets…..cut the bullshit. Slick hairstyles and facial hair doesn’t add vertical inches. The more you try and look stylish, the more ridiculous you look. Just play the hand you’re dealt and everything will be sub par.

Batman Vs. Joe Muscles-I previously wrote about that one asshole in the gym who has to give other people unwanted advice. I bet this asshole would give super heroes tips on working about if he were in the gym. Imagine lets say, Batman is working his triceps. This guy, whom for the purpose of continuity we shall call Joe Muscles comes up to Batman and this dialogue is exchanged:

JOE MUSCLES: “Hey buddy, you’re using your back too much.”

BATMAN: “I’m fucking Batman don’t tell me how to work out!”

JOE MUSCLES: Whoa dude, all I’m saying is that the way your doing that isn’t good for the back.”

BATMAN: Well listen Asshole. I’m Batman, I think I’m in pretty good shape.

JOE MUSCLES: Whatever bro. It’s your body.

BATMAN: (mocking Joe)Whatever bro its your body.

I also think it would be funny if Batman had to raw dog chicks because he has everything on his belt but condoms.

Letter to Fitty-Here is a letter I want to write:

Dear Fitty Cent,

My name is Adam. I’m a TV/Video major at Emerson College. The other day I was walking down the street and I had an idea for a rap rhyme. On the street there was a Jetta parked and inside it had leather seats. I was thinking that a good rhyme would be a “Jetta wif Letta” Letta would be like saying leather in a ghetto way. I thought maybe you would like my idea and use it in a song. Then you could invite me to a party and we could Eiffel tower a chick together.


Sincerely,
Adam M.

Nutcracker Sour- Sadly, the girl with two heads has died. Doctors are now second guessing their procedure which involved using a lobster cracker to pop the second head.

Michelle...Switch!-I want to marry Michelle Tanner. Not the Olson twins. Michelle. In other words, I would be married to Mary Kate and Ashley, but they would alternate as Michelle. That way, when Ashley gets cranky or bitchy, I’ll tell Mary Kate to come in and kick out Ashley. Or if things got really heated, I could beat the shit out of Mary Kate and then have Ashley come in while Mary Kate’s bruises heal. What a great wife Michelle would be.

Jacket Patches- I notice a lot of black guys have big bubble jackets and hats with patches of the different N.B.A teams all over. As a jew, I was thinking of doing something similar: taking a pea-coat and putting patches of different mutual funds and brokerage companies all over.

Letter from Wolfboy at summer camp



Dear Mom,

Fuck you mom. Seriously fuck you for always telling me how handsome I am. I’m fucking hairy as shit. Now that I’m with other kids I see just how abnormal the hair all over my body is. Maybe if we had a goddamn T.V in the house I could look at the T.V and say “Hey Mom how come Hey Arnold isn’t covered in fucking hair?” But no. You send me to fucking summer camp so that I have to learn the hard way how much of a freak I am.
In the mess hall they make me sit in the corner and then they throw meat at me and then spray me with a hose. Some kid told me that the kids in Rocketry class decided that instead of making individual rockets, they would make a giant one they could send me to mars in. I later found out they weren’t planning on sending me to mars. They were planning on getting me inside and exploding the rocket and sending me “back” to hell where I belong.
Today my bunk went canoeing. Except I wouldn’t call it canoeing, I would call it, beat the shit out me with oars. Similarly, at instructional swim, they instructed me to drown. Goddamnit mom. Why the fuck did you have to eat so many scented markers when you were pregnant with me. My life is awful. You know there is a camp for kids like me. Its called the circus.
Seriously though mom, when you looked at the sonogram, and saw that I had hair all over my body, why didn’t you have dad head butt you in the stomach and end the misery right there. I tried killing myself by taking my inhaler 45 times. I passed out and had a dream about not being hairy. I woke up feeling even more depressed, but I went to the social.
I told some albino girl my dad was wolverine. She thought it was cool and two hours later I was eating her out behind the canteen. The hair on my face chafed her so badly that she’s now a 13 year old with a roast beef pussy worse than grandma porn. Now I have hair in my teeth too. Yeah she’s an early bloomer.


-Vince(wolfboy)

Chick Farts-Whenever a girl rips ass, there is always that one witty guy who has to say something to the like of "that's nasty, girls don't fart!" Well, that chum is wrong. They do! And it’s even grosser because their farts must smell like a combination of poop and flowers, undoubtedly nastier than the less ambiguous pure shit smell. Therefore, in a relationship, it is the male's right to keep his girlfriend's flatulence in check. The method I find most effective, is duct taping one of those long clown balloons to her poop chute. This not only keeps the smell from tainting a man's perspective of his girl, but also serves as a measurement device. When the balloon is fully expanded = punishment time. Maybe one in the front, as a queef defense, isn't a bad idea either.

Men's Healthy Regurgitate- How do people keep buying Men’s Health and Muscle and Fitness Magazines? It is the same issue every time. All you need is one issue and you’re set. Every cover story is along the lines of trim your abs, burn fat, build your arms, and when the story isn’t the main cover, it moves to a side story, but its in there, and the exercises and methods never change. It’s the same advice every month.

Splitting Personalities-So they split those two toddlers, Achmed and Mohammed, who were connected at the head. Ironically, in order to take the two kids’ heads apart, doctors had to put their heads together. Bahzing! Anyways somehow these brilliant doctors untangled all the blood vessels in the two boys’ brains. The high tech surgery replaces the speedier, yet less efficient method of a power saw. Now the problem lies in the fact that one kid is inevitably going to be brilliant, and the other is going to be a moron, leading to a malpractice lawsuit against the surgeons for giving Achmed some of Mohammed’s brain. The boys will also be upset to find out that Mom ended their chances at a well-paid career as circus freaks, in favor of making them two guys with freaky shaped heads and faces who no-one wants to hire (especially the one that turns out to be the idiot). The only reversal surgery involves a whole lot of duct taping.

Yuppies Puppies- Often when I walk through the Boston Commons, I notice some Beacon Hill residents frolicking around with their dogs. Its a dogs and owners afternoon get together. I forget what its called, where all the owners socialize as the dogs lick each others asses and hump each other. The situation is funny because you know the owners have the same thing on their minds. Its an interesting scene because of this. While the L.L Bean crowd mingles, the dogs represent what is going on in the back of their minds. Now all these dogs are extremely well groomed, expensive breeds. I would love to take an ugly ass fucking mutt down to the shindig. I would dye it different colors and cut out patches of hair. All the Beacon Hillites would scoff at nasty ass beast, which I would name Pussyfart, after the Dice Man.

Risk Analysis- Well folks, it finally happened. Roy of Siegfried and Roy was mauled by a tiger. I think Ray Charles saw that one coming. They go on stage everyday with a real tiger and prance around flamboyantly. I’ve seen enough Faces of Death Videos on Kazaa to know that isn’t the most brilliant idea. Now this just further proves my point that those stupid risk statistics are ridiculous. For example, you are more likely to get struck by lightning then eaten by a shark. See, that is ridiculous because you spend a lot more time on land then you do swimming in the ocean. Everyone who doesn’t live on a coast is exposed to rain, but not ocean water. Those statistics should factor in the likeliness of an attack per amount of time spent in the ocean. Another stupid stat is that you are more likely to die in your car than in an airplane crash. Well, most people spend a lot more time in their cars than on a plane. Secondly, you can control that stat, by wearing your seatbelt, being a cautious driver, and driving a safe car. In an airplane, if something goes wrong, you’re fucking dead. Bottom line. There is no swerving, and there are no airbags. You are dead. That’s why I hate flying, because once you are in the air, that plane becomes one big iron lung. If the technology fails you are fucked, like a little girl holding a tazor in Compton at three in the morning. To tie it all together, the likeliness of being attacked by a white tiger is slim to none, unless you dress up like Mork and Mindy and mock it front of a huge crowd.

Robes were definitely invented to hide morning wood

Wish Upon an Obscene Star- I really want to name a star. Now, I know that no one really ever hears about the obscure stars that people name, but I am going to name my star, AssLickCockPussyFucker. And maybe, just maybe, AssLickCockPussyFucker will be a comet headed for earth. And the news man will have to announce that. Wouldn't that be great? I mean, armegadon would suck, but the news would freakin' rule.

Gregory Hines is dead. I guess he tapped out. Bah zing!

Donkey Kong Linguistics- Why is Donkey Kong a Gorilla? The first part of his name is donkey. I’m sure that his name was supposed to be Monkey Kong, but the Japanese screwed up the translation. “Yoki Phu Oshimoto Ko Puso” Translation: “Yoki, What is the American word for monkey?” Yoki mixed up Ds and Ms, and history changed forever.

Dollar Store Fun- The next time you go in to a dollar store, browse the aisles until the clerk says “can I help you with anything?” Promptly respond, “Yea I’m looking for stupid shit. Do you have any stupid shit?”

Russian Deterrence (Dead Baby Style)-I read a news story that is so ridiculous; I don't even know how to comment. In Russia, school children are going on field trips to a museum which houses deformed dead fetuses. The cast of dead characters includes a kid with one eye in the middle of his head, a girl with a flesh tail instead of legs, that looks like a mermaid, and a two faced baby. Teachers take the kidlings there and tell them that it is what happens if you mess around with drugs and alcohol. See the news story--> http://story.news.yahoo.com/news tmpl=story&cid=573&ncid=757&e=4&u=/nm/20030428/od_nm/russia_museum_dc Now, I have some issues with this whole scared straight idea. First off, why the hell haven't I been to this place yet? Second, nowadays, with the glorification of the X-men and other mutant heroes, this encourages kids to take drugs and alcohol, because it increases their chances of giving birth to Spider Man or the Incredible Hulk. Secondly, I think there is a reason why alcoholism has thrived in Russia. It’s fucking freezing and miserable. These kids are going to be too afraid to drink away the woes of a terrible economy, and bitter weather. Russians would probably prefer to be dead in a jar with one eye and half a vagina, then huddled around breadcrumbs without any vodka.

This girl I know said that if she got hit by a car, she would laugh. I said she probably wouldn't.

Vocabulary- Guncle (Gun-kul)- A gay uncle

Terrible Vision- I really don't understand how some of my ancestors survived. Without my contacts or glasses, I can't see for shit. Everything is so blurry. If I were born in the days before glasses, I would have been running around flailing my arms around screaming, "somebody feed me! Somebody mate with me!" I wouldn't have been able to hunt down a tree. How I made it through evolution amazes me. I guess my ancestors had Wolverine claws, and I didn't get the gene.

Brief Interruption for me to have a philosophical rant-I'm going to change pace with this post, and share a few thoughts. Today, I realized just how abused our species is. We are all so confused these days. There is so much information out in the world, so much mental stimulation, that we are all crazy and we don't even know it. We no longer can think for ourselves. We are told how to live life, what is right and wrong, and we are told this from so many different directions, that we have completely lost any perspective on life. Every argument has a counter -argument. Every side has an opposite side. Because we do not truly know the answers, we guess, and there is no closure, no black and white, only gray. We are the victims of our own impartiality. We all want to make something of ourselves, but there are too many power hungry people on this planet, and not enough power to go around. We are our own misery. The world is moving so fast these days, no one has time to reflect, and really enjoy anything. At least I don't. I do think there is a plan, but I don't think there is a god in this world. At least not a responsive one. All the knowledge we have is so trivial; it is all junk. Until we really know why we are here, we will keep guessing, and torturing ourselves. Some people think there is meaning in pain and suffering, some people in pleasure, and still others don't want to think at all. We have been chosen to live in this world, yet we are not told why we are here. In all the religions, god tells us how to live, but never why. We are slaves, and god is nothing short of a cruel slave master. We are not his children, but his slaves. Any true religion which claims to be divine, would give us our purpose, and not just commands. Sorry for that brief interruption, more funnies to come.

Rat Race 2-Today was the Boston Marathon. Again this year, there were no winners. The Kenyan guy who finished first has to go back to Kenya. So he really isn't a winner. The woman who finished first amongst the women, didn't really win, because she didn't finish first amongst everyone. Wheelchair winner is an oxymoron. The winner of that race should get to be a stem cell guinea pig. There was one girl in the wheelchair race who apparently was hit by a car. Luckily she wasn't hurt badly and is still just paralyzed.

Rat Race to the Bathroom to Vomit- Well, I just saw one of the worst movies I have ever seen. Ranking up there with The Score, and Mr. Magoo, Rat Race has achieved the proud honor of sucking. Either this movie was written in the fifties or sixties, or was written for people of that age. It was just sooo silly and stupid. There were a few funny scenes, but most of it was just so annoying and predictable. Yes, its supposed to be stupid, but so is Dirty Work, and that is one of my favorites. This movie had its moments, but mostly went for the lamest jokes and gags that are funny only if you are in a geriatric home or a kid with down syndrome. It was such silly family crap, and crap that cost a shitload to make. The funniest thing was that the whole time I was thinking about all the starving children in the world, and all the money that went to make this terrible film. Yet, the moral was give to hunger charities. Hmmm. I guess my main problem with the film was that it went for the most obvious joke, and cheap laugh, every time. I have never seen a movie more geared towards idiot white America. From Uncle Toms driving buses full of I Love Lucy look a likes, to Mr. Bean falling asleep at the silliest times, this movie was written for saltines. As my friend Dave pointed out, "This movie was written by sitcom writers on a lunch break."